Outward Boundary Violations: When We Get Hurt By A Lack Of Love & Connection
When people think of problems with their personal boundaries they mostly think of inward boundary violations.
Examples are:
Someone invading your personal space
Being touched/spoken to/looked at in uncomfortable ways
Someone being violent/mean/aggressive or abusive
However, there is another type of boundary violation which is called outward boundary violations. Those types of violations are often the reason why people struggle in adulthood although they had “perfect” childhoods. So let’s get into what outward boundary violations are and how to spot them in your past or current life!
What are boundaries?
Before we talk about the different boundary violations let's start with what personal boundaries are. Different to what most people think, boundaries are not a fence that protects you from others. Instead, boundaries are simply your personal likes and dislikes, your individual needs and wants - and those are different from person to person. This means that boundaries are not set in stone, they are not a particular set of rules to follow and that’s why it’s so important to be aware of them and communicate them openly.
“Boundaries are simply your personal likes and dislikes.”
So if we understand that boundaries are about our personal likes and dislikes the “fence” metaphor does not work. Why? Because sometimes a boundary is not about wanting someone to give you more space but actually about wanting someone to come closer.
Let me explain.
Understanding Outward Boundary Violations
While inward boundary violations are about what did happen (violence, bad behaviour, mean words, harshness etc.) outward boundary violations are about what didn’t happen.
Outward boundary violations are about the missing:
Emotional Closeness (understanding, love, support)
Physical Affection (hugs, being held, being comforted)
Loving Attention (spending quality time, being listened to, eye contact)
In childhood (and also in many adult relationships) many people experience a lack of connection, attention and care from their caregivers, peers, relatives and society at large. If you want to know more about this watch my video “Outward Boundary Violations: The Trauma Caused By What Didn’t Happen”.
Missing Emotional Needs In ‘Hard’ Societies
Generally speaking here in the Western world, especially in countries like Germany, UK, Sweden, Norwegian etc. a lot of people suffer from loneliness and disconnection because their basic emotional needs are not being met. This already starts in childhood where we see much less physical affection and emotional closeness in these Northern cultures than in Latin countries or southern Europe (Italy, Spain, Greece etc.).
I’m simplifying here but everybody instinctually knows the difference between ‘hard’ and ‘soft’ cultures. In ‘hard’ cultures many people have actually no idea how to connect with each other and this leads to many people feeling isolated on the inside, even if they are surrounded by people.
Furthermore, in ‘hard’ cultures emotional expression such as crying (which is actually incredibly healthy!) gets suppressed, leading to many people feeling totally numb and disconnected inside, which leads to all kinds of problems, such as health problems and trauma relationships.
Dissapproving Of Emotions In ‘Hard’ Societies
Apart from missing connection and understanding there is also an issue of disapproving of emotions in ‘hard’ societies, which leads to a whole array of problems. In terms of outward boundary violations this means that many children (and grown ups) actually wish that someone would be with them when they are feeling their worst - but they often get send to their room and have to endure the emotional intensity by themselves.
Disapproving of emotions leads to internalised shame:
“Something is wrong with me for feeling this emotion” and/or
“I have to hide my emotions in order to be accepted” and/or
“Feelings emotions is childish and weak”
But emotions are about our personal truth and so when we feel like we have to hide them, we can’t share a huge aspect of ourselves with others - meaning we are never truly authentic. And when you are not showing your real self, you will inevitably feel lonely because others can’t connect with fakeness, with a mask.
Outward Boundary Violations - The Undetected Trauma
The biggest problem with outward boundary violations, however, is that they are much harder to recognise than inward boundary violations. Everybody knows that it hurts when others yell at us, come to close or touch us in ways that we don’t like. However, many people fail to understand how deeply it can hurt when we get ignored, when no one makes the effort to understand us or when close ones avoid eye contact with us.
“Outward boundary violations are the missing emotional closeness, physical affection and loving attention many people experience in childhood and/or adult relationships.”
But because we are a social species we need connection as much as we need nutritious food! Yes, we can survive a childhood filled with coldness, distance and a lack of attention but there are consequences. The child usually adapts by become a hard person themselves with strong emotional walls around them - or they become very needy with a lack of boundaries because they feel such a lack of connection. The worst consequences are however physical ailments and although the research is still very young here (check out Gabor Mate’s book “The body keeps the score”) alternative health practitioners have known for a long time that emotional issues have intense consequences for our physical health!
You Can’t Know What You’re Missing If You’ve Never Had It
Furthermore, many people struggle to recognise that they have experienced outward boundary violations because they have never known how it feels to have their emotional needs met. Imagine a person who has a zinc deficiancy since birth - they don’t know that their body would feel much better with enough zinc. Because the zinc deficiancy was always there they assume that this is just how their body feels like.
That’s why in trauma work, therapy or healing, some people who have experienced outward boundary violations are almost “wishing” that they had been hit or screamed at - at least they would have a “solid” reason for their struggles in adulthood!
However, as our society comes out of the emotional dark ages (as my wise emotions teacher always says) and we recognise the importance of emotional needs for our wellbeing, people start to understand that just because you can’t see emotional wounds they are very much real - and that feels incredibly validation for a person who has experienced outward boundary violations!
How To Become Aware Of Your Missing Emotional Needs
If you’re someone who has experienced outward boundary violations and you find it very difficult to pinpoint which of your emotional needs have been missing, I recommend you work work with a ‘Needs’ list (you can download one here).
First of all, just look at this list and see what speaks to you - maybe you can already intuitively pinpoint some missing needs. Then you can think about your childhood - did you sometimes fantasize about having the perfect, sweet Mom who would sit with you for hours, bake cookies and be very smiley and loving?
Did you dream of a Dad who would mentor you in a supportive way, show you how to work with wood or be on the sidelines of your sports games cheering you on? Did you dream of a grandmother who you could go to whenever you felt down, who would always be there with an open ear and a warm hug?
These are all clues for missing emotional needs in childhood and when you ask you subconscious, slowly these personal truths are emerging - because deep down you know what you would have needed, it’s just often buried underneath a big layer of self-protective beliefs, for example:
“I don’t need anybody”
“I was a self sufficient child”
“I’m just not an emotional, touchy-feely person”
Start By Getting In Touch With Your Emotions
If you're struggling to pinpoint your needs I recommend you start by getting in touch with your emotions. The reason for this is that your uncomfortable (negative) emotions will always tell you about your missing needs. For this you can access my Free Guided Meditation “Feeling emotions in the body meditation”, which will help you to understand and reconnect with your emotions.
So, I hope that this blog has helped you to understand what outward boundary violations are and what could be reasons for your struggles in adulthood although you didn’t experience any classical “trauma” - no one has ever beaten you, no one has ever abused you.
But as I said in the beginning, we are a social species. We need a lot of connection and right now, especially in the West this is not happening. Our societies are far too hard for people to thrive! We are excellent at teaching our children discipline, logical thinking and effectiveness - which are beautiful and very important qualities - but in our emotional development we are still at a kindergarten level, unfortunately.
And if you’re struggling with outward boundary violations, book a coaching session with me. I can show you how to get your missing emotional needs from childhood met and feel loved, supported, seen and fulfilled 💗
Get My Free Guided Meditation:
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