‘Nice Guys’ Kill Relationships & Masculinity
When I coach men the topic that comes up again and again is how to express their masculinity in a healthy way. Modern men are so disconnected to this vital aspect of themselves, they even ask me “What exactly is masculinity?”, which makes me extremely sad.
How Modern Men Became People Pleasers
When my grandfather probably wouldn’t have found it easy to answer this question intellectually, he would have just naturally exuded masculine qualities and didn’t question what it means to be a man - he just was.
Being assertive, driven and confident was just normal for him because his natural masculinity was not blocked as we see in so many modern men today. Of course that doesn’t mean that men back in the days didn’t have their faults as many were lacking the more sensitive, feminine qualities that modern men excel in. This development is beautiful but the pendulum has swung too far. Masculine men are a rare species and we need to make sure that they don’t become extinct!
What I want to share in this blog specifically is how ‘nice guys’ kill relationships and masculinity. Saying this I can already see the feminist red flags flying - “But Veronika, bad men are the problem, back in the days they used to be so controlling and now they finally consider us!” Yes, I’m not proposing to go back to the 1960s when women didn’t have any economic or political power. And I’m also not proposing for men to act mean.
“When I talk about ‘nice guys’ I speak about people-pleasing men who have no boundaries and are trying to get their needs met in covert and manipulative ways.”
When I talk about ‘nice guys’ I speak about people pleasing men who have no boundaries and are trying to get their needs met in covert and manipulative ways. These men are a modern phenomenon* largely influenced by a feminised society through absent fathers, mostly female kindergarten and primary school teachers, labelling masculinity as “toxic” and a less physical work.
But, what we have to understand is that the way men are being conditioned today is not serving men, it’s not serving women and it’s definitely not serving society - at all. Men have never had worse mental health, divorce rates are through the roof, relationship happiness is rarely found and society at large is just messed up (addiction, suicide rates, depression). Of course there are more factors involved than just the Nice Guy Syndrome but we have to understand that masculinity is a massive part of being a man and when it’s being suppressed on a such a large scale it has massive consequences!
The Missing Archetype of the Warrior
The biggest problem of the modern man is that he’s too nice! He is too concerned with what other people think of him, he hates confrontation and doesn’t want to offend anybody. Deep down he wants nothing more than to be a good little boy and that Mama is proud of him.
This sounds extreme but this is the core of the issue. It’s literally an addiction to ‘being nice’ that drives many men and it has terrible consequences for relationships and society.
Within relationships* it totally throws off the masculine - feminine dynamic. An important archetype of masculinity is the warrior. The warrior’s first priority is to protect. For this he needs to have strong values and uphold them because we know that in war people fight dirty.
If someone is obsessed with ‘being nice’ he can’t be a warrior because a warrior offends if he needs to. He is okay with being the bad guy if that means he stands up for what he believes in. He knows what’s in his heart and that’s more important than what other people say.
This is also why ‘Nice Guys’ often struggle with dating. Women feel the lack of leadership and direction and are instinctively turned off because they don’t feel safe with a man who doesn’t possess self authority.
My friend Manuel who embodies the archetype of the Warrior wonderfully!
Now, the problem for relationships is that if a man doesn’t embody warrior qualities, the woman will. She will stand up for herself - and sometimes even for the man. She will take on this responsibility but won’t like it and (unconsciously) be deeply resentful towards the man. This will lead her to stop respecting him and this goes hand in hand with her loss of sexual attraction. The addiction to ‘being nice’ is bad, bad, bad for relationships!
“And if you think tough men are dangerous, wait until you see what weak men are capable of.”
In regards to society the warrior is needed to keep us in check. Because he can see through BS and calls it out. When men are addicted to being ‘good little boys’ we are lost - and that’s exactly what we are seeing right now. Political chaos, social upheaval and a mainstream culture that is getting crazier by the day - it’s quite literally a tragedy!
The Integrated Man
“Aragon” from Lord of the Rings - looking epic!
So how does it look when a man is not addicted to ‘being nice’? To quote my teacher Teal Swan: “A good man is a dangerous one, who has a whole lot of self control!” - I call this the integrated man.
My favourite example here is the fictional character “Aragorn” from Lord of the Rings. He’s a warrior but wise. He can kill 1000 Orks (those are the bad guys in Lord of the Rings) by himself, no problem, but he never uses his strength when it’s not necessary. He never hurts the innocent or starts a fight. Others can’t provoke him because he’s sure in himself.
He has strong boundaries and stands up for his values even if others call him stupid. He truly embodies the integrated man and he’s sexy AF (let’s be real here, I haven’t met a woman who doesn’t sigh when she she’s him in the movies). But unfortunately he’s a rare species these days!
How the addiction to ‘being nice’ originates
Now where does the addiction to ‘being nice’ come from? It’s a codependent quality and develops like all unhealthy behaviour patterns in childhood. There are three elements that influence this attitude in a man:
Society:
From young age on most boys are taught that masculine qualities like assertiveness, confidence, physical strength, aggression etc are bad. They internalise this and start to push those aspects of themselves away. They get more social approval from teachers, family members etc. when they are ‘being nice’, which means in this case to be more feminine: kind, compliant, empathic, soft etc.
Mothers:
Unfortunately, many women have such strong unhealed anger towards men that they unconsciously let it out on their little boys. We could say that they energetically “cut the balls off” of their sons. This sounds dramatic but how it works practically is doing things like punishing their sons when they display masculine traits (see above) and also by telling stories about how insensitive, violent and toxic men are. Children need the approval and love of their mother for survival and so the sons start pushing their masculinity away in order to be ‘good little boys’.
Fathers:
Unfortunately, also Dads are compliant in this killing of masculinity, often because they’ve made bad experiences with their fathers and blame masculinity for it. They fail to understand, however, that it wasn’t masculinity which made their childhoods hell but a lack of emotional intelligence, understanding and connection. So they also tell their sons how bad their masculine qualities are and that in order to make in the world, they have to be ‘nice’. Nothing could be further from the truth, unfortunately.
As you can see the attack on masculinity comes from all angles - unwittingly of course but nonetheless it has severe consequences. To learn more about this you can watch my Youtube video The War On Men & Masculinity And Why It Needs To Stop which I’ve recorded together with my husband Matt:
How To Become An Integrated Man
Becoming an integrated man is the journey of a lifetime (In Lord of the Rings Aragorn belongs to a special race that lives exceptionally long - by the time he becomes king he’s 87. He looks young but has found wisdom through the years of his long life.). Shedding the addiction of ‘being nice’ is an important step in this journey. In order to do this you need to confront the negative beliefs about masculinity you’ve created in childhood through questions like these:
Is masculinity really bad?
If I value ‘being nice’ more than anything else, does it actually make me a good person?
Who does it serve when I’m behaving like a ‘good little boy'‘?
What might happen if I drop this attitude?
Do I like myself when I behave in this way?
Furthermore, you need to understand the importance respect has for you and how you can create a life, where you feel respected and valued as a man.
You’ve Got This!
If you’re reading this and you’re thinking, oh shit, this is so me - don’t worry! I’ve coached many men struggling with this and they have all recovered and are well on the way of becoming an integrated man!
Already by reading this and acknowledging the truth you are on the path of transformation because one needs to have great inner strength in order to accept such a sad and deeply painful reality. Really confronting what we are doing as a society to our little boys and that this also happened in your childhood is intense.
But we can only change what we allow ourselves to see. So I congratulate you! And from the bottom of my heart I wish you all the best on your journey and just know - we need you, so keep going!
*For more info on the ‘Nice Guy Syndrome’ check out Dr. Robert Glover’s book “No More Mr Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex, and Life”
*When I say relationships I mean heterosexual relationships because this is what I’m focusing on in my work. If you’re in a homosexual relationship you can apply this to which partner is more in the masculine / feminine polarity.
Feel strong emotions like a warrior:
In my free online training “Warrior’s Cry” you’ll learn how to process deep emotions and come out the other side stronger and more resilient!
