Understanding Childhood Trauma Symptoms in Adults
Are you wondering if you or your loved one is suffering from childhood trauma symptoms? Childhood trauma is not something I ever thought I had – up until 5 years ago, when I learned what trauma actually is. But before we get into it, let’s understand why healing our childhood wounds is so essential for conscious relating.
If you’re carrying a lot of emotional baggage around you will:
attract toxic relationships
find it hard to trust your partner
interpret your partners actions through a lens of negative beliefs
be constantly emotionally triggered, which makes the relationship a very stressful place for both partners involved
Understanding Childhood Trauma
I will explain these dynamics in detail further in this blog but let’s first look into what trauma actually is. Simply put, trauma occurs when there is distress without resolve. This means that the intensity of the situation is less important than how the person is able to deal with it. People could experience car accidents or violent crimes and not develop trauma if they are able to resolve the distress that was created by the event.
“Simply put, trauma occurs when there is distress without resolve.”
Simultaneously people could be heavily traumatised by feeling pushed away or not seen by their parents without ever something physically painful happening to them. And this is actually the majority of trauma that we are seeing in Western countries. It is trauma by emotional neglect and abandonment. This is because people tend to be cold towards each other which leads to children being starved of emotional and physical closeness (lack of being soothed, getting hugs, showing emotions).
In more southern cultures, children tend to experience traumas around enmeshment, which is created by a lack of boundaries between family members. This means that children are not allowed to be autonomous beings, for example the parents want to determine which life path the children walk and there is a lot of control and pressure as well as guilt and shame. This is of course very generalised and simplified but it helps to get a general understanding of the different types of traumas children experience in different cultures.
Understanding My Trauma
Where I grew up in Germany trauma was thought to be something that only kids born into poor, uneducated or violent families experienced. As part of a middle class family I was convinced that I had quite a good upbringing, especially because my parents put an emphasis on providing me with very good education.
But in my teenage and young adult years my life was defined by emotional rollercoasters which led me to thinking I had depression and seeking help with therapists. I pretty soon realised however that the problem was not depression (and this diagnosis is another topic altogether) but that my emotional needs where not being fulfilled – mainly of closeness, belonging and safety. This led me down the path of understanding how I was creating my own unfulfilling reality – through negative beliefs and social conditioning which came from childhood.
This is not to condemn my parents.
I know that they did the best they could with what they had and that they came a long way from how they themselves had grown up. But in order to heal it is important to get real about how you really felt in childhood – otherwise you will never get a complete picture of yourself. For that you don’t have to be a psychologist or go looking for therapy, you can ask simple questions that relate to what we as humans need to feel good.
- It took me a long time to understand why I was struggling so much -
I’ve done years of deep inner work and self study to analyse childhood trauma symptoms in adults and I put together 10 questions that will help you get a clear picture of your or your loved one’s childhood conditioning.
Childhood Trauma Symptoms Analysis (10 Questions)
The most influential time is from 0-7 years old, so concentrate on this life span when answering the questions. If you did not grow up with parents, “parents” can be replaced by “caregivers”, “grandparents”, “mom” etc. (whoever raised you).
1) Culture
Was authenticity and self-trust encouraged in the culture you grew up in?
Were you allowed to think for yourself? Could you openly say what was own your mind?
2) Socio-economic conditions of the family
Was there enough wealth that your parents could spend time with you? And if so, did your parents do it?
Was the family wealth used to help you realise that you are a capable human being?
3) Social network of family (resources)
Were there other adults (apart from your parents) that you could come to with problems?
Were there other adults that would help the family if needed, so that you would learn that there is a strong network of people to support you?
4) Relationship between parents
Did you learn how to have a loving relationship from your parents?
Did you learn how to solve relationship problems by witnessing your parent’s relationship?
5) Mental health of parents
Did mental health problems of a parent impact you / the family?
Did you learn how to deal with emotional problems?
6) Communication in the family
Was the communication in your family loving and supportive?
Did your parents teach you how to resolve conflicts?
7) The level of freedom and safety
Did you feel safe and that your parents were protecting you? Did you get enough safety to learn to trust your environment and yourself?
Did you have an appropriate amount of freedom to learn from mistakes? Did you feel like your opinion mattered?
8) Relationship between parents and child
Did you feel loved for who you were as a child?
Did you feel like you counted?
9) Boundaries between child and parents
Did your parents respect your “no”?
Did your parents show you how to say “no” to others?
10) Problem solving attitude in the family
Did the family start fighting when faced with external problems?
Did you learn how to respond calmly and resourcefully to problems?
After answering these questions, imagine that this would not be you but someone else - how would you judge what has happened then? If you are in a relationship you can also use these questions to analyse your partners childhood conditioning – it’s really helpful in order to create empathy towards each other.
You can also do this together as a couple, not only because it is a very powerful way to establish more intimacy and connection but because it helps you build a relationship with your partner’s inner child – a profound part of deep relationship healing. If you’re interested in learning how. todo this, book a session with me - it’s an incredible tool to create a conscious relationship!
Why Unresolved Trauma Is Problematic: Negative Beliefs
When you want to understand childhood trauma symptoms in adults it’s important to understand the dynamics of your psyche. What makes you suffer as an adult is not the traumatic experience itself but the negative beliefs you’ve created as a result of it.
And the even even trickier part is here that those beliefs are not founded on objective reality but on perception - let me explain this through a common example.
The belief that Dad doesn’t love me
Many of my clients have created the belief in their childhood that their Dad did not love them because of the way he treated them (lack of emotional connection, lack of showing loving actions).
After they go through their healing journey they realise that their Dad actually loved them immensely but did not know how to show it or he showed it in ways that my clients were not aware of. You see, the negative belief was created because of how my clients interpreted reality - not how it actually was.
Why is that?
Children are ego-centric, which means they think the world revolves around them. They believe that when something bad happens, it is because of them. That’s why it is such a common phenomena for children to think that their parents divorce is their fault.
So ,when we experience traumatic situation we think it is because we are lazy, unworthy, bad, stupid, careless, etc. And from this assumption – that whatever happened was our fault – we create beliefs about us and the world.
For example:
“I’m a bad person”
“I don’t deserve to be happy”
“Nothing ever works out for me”
“All men/women are terrible”
In all my years of working with people, I’ve NEVER met a person that didn’t have several negative beliefs at the core of their personality structure. What does this say about our society?
So many people are struggling because we don’t create the conditions for people to thrive. Although we have so much materially, we are failing to provide the most important things to each other - love, support and understanding!
For more information about this you can watch my video: How childhood trauma is overlooked in modern medicine:
The Long-Term Effects of Childhood Trauma
Now, the problem with negative beliefs is that they create a lens through which you see the world. You will interpret every experience and interaction through these beliefs, so you can imagine how differently someone with positive beliefs experiences life than someone with negative beliefs.
For example:
“A stranger smiles at you on the street.”
Person with positive beliefs thinks:
“Oh so wonderful, this person is having a good day, I feel glad that people still smile at each other on the streets.”
Person with negative beliefs thinks:
“Who’s this one, I think he’s up to no good, why would he be smiling at me, he probably wants something, I better cross the street now!”
As you can see it’s a completely different reality created by their minds, by their beliefs. And that is why changing your childhood conditioning is so important.
How Childhood Trauma Affects Relationships
Negative beliefs can also have detrimental effects on our relationships, because they often tell us that we are not worthy of love or that it is dangerous to let love in. Understanding how negative beliefs influence someone can be a game changer in creating conscious relationships.
Often we only see the protective part of our partner and think that this is their whole truth – this stops us from connecting deeper and finding the empathy to create a truly loving relationship. It’s really important to see the vulnerable side of our partner, to understand how they are really experiencing the world and not just the facade they present to us.
Another negative affect that childhood trauma has on relationships is that it creates defense mechanisms in people. Defense mechanisms are ways in which you learned to protect yourself in social situations. What worked best as a child is often what you still display as an adult and it can be really though for relationships, when for example someone always leaves the room when there is a conflict or raises their voice in a conflict.
These defense mechanism create a feeling of separation and distrust and that’s why it is really beneficial to let go of them for the sake of creating a harmonious and supportive relationship. If we can understand our own defense mechanisms and also those of our partner we can make conflicts more peaceful by going into vulnerability instead of aggression.
To understand more about this, watch my video How to develope TEAM ATTITUDE in your relationship:
Relationship As A Place To Heal From Childhood Trauma
The great thing about relationships is that they have the potential to be a place of great healing. Your childhood trauma was created by people and it can also be healed by people. Loving relationships are a medicine!
That’s why I’m advocating so much for the gender wars to end and for men and women coming together in love – both need to lay down the weapons and commit to true peace. The amount of healing I have experienced in my current relationship is profound and I can’t even imagine what it will be like in 10 years.
“Childhood trauma is created by people and therefore can also be healed by people. Loving relationships are a medicine!”
Through the love and relationship work with my man, I’ve been able to shift my outlook on life, create a totally different relationship with my parents (more mature and peaceful) and start to develop my true potential – because I’m not weighed down anymore by so much baggage! And that’s the invitation, really, for emotional healing and relationship work.
You don’t want to be 50 and still be angry at your parents
Imagine how different your life could be if you would be able to heal those old wounds, shift those old patterns and create new, positive beliefs about yourself? You don’t want to be 50 and still be angry at your parents! No, it’s not necessary and holding on to this anger and pain stops you from connecting with the deeper mystery of life. It keeps you in a childlike state. But we are not meant to hold on to things.
We are meant to experience, to learn our lessons and then to let go of everything that doesn’t serve us. Like an animal in the wild, shaking themselves after a traumatic event, literally shaking it off – and then they move on and return to their natural equilibrium. That’s what we are meant to do as well and we can! Just takes some un-conditioning!
Related Blogs:
Trauma Relationships Explained: How To Know You’re Dating The Wrong Person!
Why Crying Is Healthy: Busting 6 False Myths About Crying
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