Why It’s Difficult To See Unhealthy Patterns In Relationships

I’ve you’ve experienced a lot of toxic relationships, trauma will feel like love, it’s as simple as that. Why? Because you’ve never had a benchmark for what love really is, what a safe relationship feels like.

It’s a little bit like taking drugs – you’re chasing an artificial high that can never amount to the state of inner bliss that occurs when all your needs are met and you just feel really, really good!

My Experience With Trauma Relationships

In my life, I woke up to the fact that I was attracting trauma relationships about 6 years ago, when I realised that my partner at the time was mildly emotionally abusive. It was a bit of a shock, especially because I adored him and I just wanted this relationship to work so bad.

But luckily, sooner or later I’m the type of person who wants to know the truth and I had to admit – damn, this is really unhealthy! And not to put the whole blame on him, I had my fare share to do with it, lashing out in my wild emotions, crying all the time, probably making him feel super overwhelmed.

And I also realised that in every one of my previous relationships there had been similar problems - there was a pattern! I understood that I was in a vicious cycle and that life wanted to teach me something.

How I Moved From Trauma To Conscious Relationship

So, the first thing I did was break up with this guy – it was hard but I knew it had to be because no way in hell were we able to turn this relationship around! Then I began to be in a bit of an in between state, for the next year or so dating someone which I knew was another trauma relationship but already much less toxic than my last one.

And then I met my current partner (and now husband) Matt. It was completely unexpected because it felt so different meeting him than the other guys. It was more like friendship than the intense attraction that I was used to. It was a feeling of complete ease, of knowing that I’m simply liked for who I am and I don’t have to pretend, don’t have to fake anything.

But this level of ease was almost boring and for a few months I was convinced that he was not the right guy. But as time went on and we grew closer and closer together I realised that this was a different kind of love, something that I’ve never experienced before.

I was home, I finally belonged.

Since then our relationship has developed and deepened and is a place of true healing for us both. I call this a ‘conscious relationship’ and what I had previously ‘trauma relationships’.

But what defines those two types of relationships? And how can you know if you are in a conscious or a trauma relationship? Let’s get into it!

The Characteristics Of Trauma Relationships

Although every trauma relationship is different, there are a few characteristics that you can find in almost every one.

1. Unhealthy Boundaries

Boundaries are often a problem in trauma relationships, either they are too weak, too rigorous or a mix of both. When they are too weak, the couple is enmeshed in each other’s lives, for example they don’t like it when the other one has their own friends, they are controlling, they are easily jealous. Also, they don’t know how to separate their own emotions from their partner and become helplessly emotionally entangled.

On the other hand, boundaries could also be too strict in trauma relationships, for example when one or both partners have avoidant attachment style. That means they put a strong wall around their hearts, not share much about themselves and are constantly afraid that the other person is too involved in their lives. They deny that their partner has any right to know what’s going on in their lives or to have any say in important decisions.

The third option is a mix of both, where one or both partners go back and forth between enmeshment and abandonment, which is the classical push-pull relationship. So for example, one day the partner opens up completely and tells intimate details about their lives to the point that the other almost feels more like a therapist than their spouse. Then, the next day they are cold towards their partner and get aggressive when they are asking how they are doing, telling them it’s none of their business.

Why is this a sign of a trauma relationship?

If the couple is emotionally entangled, this can quickly turn into a mentally unhealthy situation, where the partners either play therapist or go deeper into their destructive patterns. If one partner doesn’t let the other one in and keeps them at arms length, it’s usually very painful for the other and prevents a sense of belonging and connection in the relationship.

A push-pull dynamic can best be described as a shock to the system because you can’t count on that the doors which are wide open today will be not completely shut closed with a massive lock on it tomorrow. This is an unnerving experience because the partner doesn’t know what to expect and if the other will be there and available if they need them.

If you’d like to know how to create and maintain passion in your relationship without resorting to playing games, download my free e-book: “The Secret Guide To Satisfying Relationships.”

2. Unhealthy Emotional Expression

Another classical element of a trauma relationship is unhealthy emotional expression. For some this means feeling like they are on a constant emotional rollercoaster. In such a relationship the couple goes very quickly from being madly in love (and even talking about marriage and kids) to threatening to break up and playing hurtful jealousy games like flirting with the best friend of their partner.

There is often also a pattern of really intense arguments which are followed by make-up sex, which is elevated by the quick change of emotions - from hating each other to feeling relieved about ending the argument. But the painful situation has not been resolved, it’s just been smoothed over by the physical closeness.

Using each other as an emotional punchbag

Another aspect of this is if one or both partners use the other one as their emotional punchbag. This is an especially unhealthy dynamic because the people who are doing it are often unaware of how intense their emotions are for their partner.

Many people have a great lack of self awareness when it comes to emotions because they are so in the moment that they can’t understand the full scope of their expression. And so when this (we could almost call it unintentional emotional abuse) happens, the person is often unaware of how badly they are treating their spouse.

On the other hand, keeping your emotions completely in and never showing any emotional reaction is also a sign of a trauma relationship. Being with someone like this feels like you never really know them fully and that they always keep an important part of themselves hidden.

Why is this a sign of a trauma relationship?

If you are lashing out emotionally or completely cutting your partner off from your emotional experience, both creates a state of immense unsafety. The partners will build up resentment, either for being violated or for not being let in. There will be a feeling of unease, because they are waiting to be attacked or because they don’t really know you because you are not sharing anything. It will be impossible to build up emotional intimacy because a foundation of safety, trust and connection is missing.

3. Unhealthy Pace

The third element of trauma relationships is a diversion off the natural pace of a relationship. Classical examples for the wrong pace are:

• Getting married after 3 months and divorced after 6 months.

• Moving to another city/country for the other person after knowing each other only a little

• Having a baby shortly after starting the relationship and then living in an on-off relationship

• Dating for 5 years and still not wanting to call the other person their “boyfriend/girlfriend”

• Reluctant to move in, even if the couple is together for a long time

Relationships have a natural pace because it’s important to really get to know each other before making life altering decisions together. In trauma relationships this natural pace is often ignored, resulting in quick divorces, babies from different fathers, on-off dynamics and refusing to take the next steps like moving in together or committing to each other. Of course there are couples that do these things and they are happy and healthy.

For example, Matt and I moved in together after knowing each other for only 8 months but we had spent 4 moths of this time backpacking together, which meant being with each other 24/7 and mostly on our own – which meant, we really got to know each other very well and moving in was not a big deal at all! But more often than not an unhealthy pace is a red flag.

Why is this a sign of a trauma relationship?

When partners are in a hurry to get married, move in or have a baby, it often means that they are insecure about the relationship (for good reasons) and are trying to make the relationship stable. Of course these methods don’t work and in case of a child put an even bigger strain on a brittle relationship! When one or both partners are reluctant to commit, there is often an intense fear of enmeshment, which stops the relationship from progressing and it’s hard to build up a fulfilling sense of intimacy.

The characteristics of a conscious relationship

The biggest difference between trauma relationships and conscious ones is a feeling of safety. This can be especially seen in the following three characteristics:

1. Trust

In conscious relationships there is a natural, organic feeling of trust that comes from experience. This means that the couple has seen overtime that they have a reason to trust each other, they have experienced again and again that they can count on each other and that the other one won’t let them down.

You can see this how they treat each other, there is no controlling behaviour or unfounded jealousy. There is no jumping to the worst conclusions when there is a misunderstanding. But, again, this does not happen overnight. This is the result of years of showing each other that both are trustworthy – you can’t fake that.

2. Friendship

Another characteristic of conscious relationships are that there is a foundation of friendship. This means that the couple genuinely likes each other, they love hanging out and doing stuff together. When this is present, there will be an automatic feeling of ease because both know that the other one likes having them around. When you meet these couples, you can tell that they like each other and it’s beautiful to watch them enjoy each other’s company, even after many years of being together.

Friendship also means that they’ve got each other’s back. The couple is one unit and they stick together. There will be no playing games, no hurting each other for payback, no talking behind each other’s back. Friendship is loyal and so is a conscious relationship.

3. Belonging

And finally, the last characteristic of a conscious relationship is belonging - my personal favourite. To me, there is almost nothing more beautiful than to truly feel like you belong. This comes from not feeling belonging for a big part of my life, I’ve always felt like an outsider, that I’m a bit strange. Since I’m with Matt, I feel a deep sense of belonging – and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world!

Belonging means that you feel secure in your place in the relationship. It means that you are wanted there, you are needed there, it wouldn’t be the same without you. You fit into the relationship perfectly - with all your flaws – and you know that you enrich your partners life.

Take this as inspiration

I could list many more characteristics of trauma relationships and conscious relationships but I don’t want to turn this blog into a book ;) But I hope that you get the idea and that I was able to illustrate the concept to you.

After all, the most important instrument you have for detecting a trauma relationship is your GUT. It will tell you when a person is right for, it will tell you when a relationship is wrong. You only have to learn to listen and don’t fool yourself! When I coach people who are in a trauma relationship, they always know it at the bottom of their hearts – they just don’t want to admit it to themselves because it is painful.

So look the truth into the eyes.

And if a relationship feels different, if it’s calm and relaxed and you don’t really know what to do – stick with it. It might just be the love of your life!