How We Met

My partner Matt and I found each other in 2017 in India, while travelling. From the moment we met I felt so comfortable with him because he was such a relaxed and caring guy and just understood me completely. But I didn’t feel much passion and so I thought, ah, we’re just going to be friends.

We travelled together for about 4 months (being together 24/7) and came closer and closer. But I was convinced that he was not the one because I just didn’t feel this strong pull towards him that I had felt in previous relationships. I thought, damn it, now you have such a great guy that treats you like a queen and you just don’t find him attractive!

Moving In Together As A Big Turning Point

But then I had to make a major decision because Matt got a job offer in London and asked me to come with him – and I said yes. This was a turning point in our journey because moving in together was incredibly smooth. This big relationship step that so many couples struggle with was very easy for us - and did really made me think.

I asked myself, why? What is special about us?

After a few months I kept noticing that we were very aligned in our values, our humour, our diet, our lifestyle – pretty much everything that makes up a life together. I had found the answer: The reason why living together was so relaxed was because we were compatible!

Compatibility Is Not Sexy - At First!

In my work I know that compatibility is a major factor in relationship happiness that unfortunately gets overlooked by most couples when they are dating. As someone said in my workshops, it’s just not sexy!

Yes, it’s not at first but believe me if you keep fighting over and over again about who does the washing up or where you will go for holiday at some point the resentment will build up so strong that you don’t want to sleep with each other anyways! So looking for a compatible partner is maybe a boring part in dating but it is an important building block for a satisfying, long-term relationship later.

What happened with us was that our compatibility made us best friends – and that is until today the foundation of our relationship. Since the day we met we have spent most days closely together – living in small apartments, working from home in the same room, collaborating on projects and spending our free time with common hobbies or friends.

And we love it!

To me this is one of the most healing experiences as one of my core traumas is that I always felt like I’m not really liked as I am and that I don’t belong anywhere. So a partner like Matt is a godsend to me, helping me heal these wounds on a daily basis.

I’ve never experienced such emotional intimacy with anyone and if we understand more about this, watch my video Emotional Intimacy: How to create Deep Connection in Relationships - Tips from a Couple:

How Passion Developed In Our Relationship

But what happened to the feelings of passion in our relationship? Well, over time our love has grown deep and strong because we know that we can rely on each other completely. And to me it was really the feeling of respect I have for Matt, that turned things around – seeing him showing up everyday, facing his demons and really putting in the work stirred the passion in me! You see, for him my lack of attraction in the beginning brought up some deep dark childhood shadows – feelings of not being good enough, not being wanted, that there was something bad about his masculinity …

And he faced it – head on.

Seeing my man growing every day, exploring why he was holding back and consciously working with his masculine energy fills me with so much joy and excitement – it’s like watching a live transformation in front of my eyes. No man ever before was so committed on the path of self actualisation. For this I admire and respect him deeply - what a man!

Your Point Of Attraction Can Be Trauma

Additionally I also realised how in the past I had felt strong attraction to men who reminded of my Dad – and unconsciously I tried to fix the relationship with my father by getting these guys to “love” me. This realisation brought a huge relief to my system because I finally understood that feeling a pull towards someone is not always a good thing – your attraction point can be trauma.

And conscious relationships actually often start like ours – quietly, softly, with a lot of laughter and relaxation. Because at the core of it is safety. And that’s were the healing begins. So don’t give up on a relationship that could be healing you!

I wanted to share our story to inspire you if you think that your partner is “too boring”. What could be underneath there is a person that you can actually build a healthy, deeply connected, conscious relationship with!