Communication is the foundation of happy, long-term relationships

Have your ever met a couple whose communication was so bad that you involuntarily had to flinch when listening to how they were talking to each other? Unfortunately I’ve met many such couples and it makes me sad every time.

When it comes to increasing the quality of your relationship, communication is one of the most important topics to work on. The way you speak to your partner determines largely how well you get along because this is how you create a feeling of trust, safety & partnership.

Communication should not be unconscious

And although it is so important, communication is not being taught in a conscious way. We pick it up on the go and it depends on our parents and the environment we grow up in how well we communicate later on. In my own relationship developing advanced communication skills has been a game changer.

Through learning a few simple techniques, my partner and I have been able to elevate our relationship to a new level of understanding, connection & emotional intimacy. The following 7 Advanced Communication Skills are a summary of the practices that have helped us most along the way.

1. Presence

True presence is one of the most valuable gifts you can give to another person. The reason for this is that humans have always needed to be in groups to thrive. It is deeply encoded into our being that closeness with others means safety and loneliness means danger. That’s why being present helps your partner feel safe, develop trust and open up. And it can even create deeper healing for your partner in case they experienced a lack of parental attention.

If presence is missing in childhood it can cause the nervous system to be in constant high alert mode which leads to all kinds of physical and mental symptoms such as anxiety, sleeping problems or addictive behaviour (just to name a few common ones!). Receiving presence in our adult relationships can actually heal these traumas because we help the nervous system to calm down and create a state of relaxation and emotional safety.

2. Verbal Mirroring

Verbal mirroring is practiced by listening carefully when your partner is sharing their experience and then repeating back to them what they have said in almost the exact same words. When I first heard about this advanced communication skill (does not sound so advanced, does it?) I thought it was quite silly - so I just repeat back what my partner said and then what?! But to my astonishment it turned out to be a highly effective tool!

When I tried this technique with my partner in a couples seminar we both felt incredibly seen, heard and understood – all the elements of deep connection. And when you think back to the point about how we humans biologically needed closeness, it makes perfect sense.

Through verbal mirroring you signal to your partner that you are fully present with them and that you paid so much attention that you didn’t miss a single word they’ve said! Many children actually get deeply traumatised by a lack of mirroring from their parents and so doing this in your relationship can help heal those wounds for your partner.

3. Validation

Validation is the third advanced communication skill that creates a feeling of being seen and heard. Validating means to tell another person that it is okay to feel and express emotions, that their perspective is valid and that you are there for them. In my own life, learning how to validate created a big shift for me both in relating to my partner as well as in the relationship to my inner child. What it mostly taught me was to allow my own and other people’s emotions without being afraid of them – because if you allow emotions they will pass much more quickly.

If you would like to learn how to apply Presence, Verbal Mirroring and Validation in a practical way, you can watch my video on Empathetic Listening for Emotional Intimacy:

4. Talk about observable facts and direct feelings

The fourth advanced communication tool is highly effective if your partner tends to react defensively when you try to talk about something you would like to change in the relationship. Defensiveness comes up when someone feels attacked and the reason for this is usually judgmental communication. Speaking in judgements means to state our interpretation as reality, such as:

Example 1:

A husband comes to dinner 1 hour later than was agreed upon and when he walks through the door, his wife says to him: “You don’t care about me at all!”

Example 2:

A couple was invited for a dinner party. The whole evening the woman did not talk much to her boyfriend. When they arrived back home he tells her: “Did you have to punish me all evening because of the fight we had yesterday – that’s unfair!”

Both of these interactions are interpretations of reality because the wife and the boyfriend do not know the real reason for their partners behaviours, they are just guessing. In a conflict this kind of communication separates you because most probably your partner will feel attacked and won’t react compassionately when hearing such statements. So what you can do instead is talk about observable facts and how you respond to them emotionally. Using the examples from above, a far better way to express yourself could be:

Example 1:

“You don’t care about me at all!”

→ “You came home 1 hour after we agreed to meet for dinner. I feel lonely and a bit sad because I wanted to spend quality time with you.”

Example 2:

“Did you have to punish me all evening because of the fight we had yesterday – that’s unfair!”

→ “At the dinner party you only talked to me twice and it seemed as if you were avoiding my eye contact. I feel confused and a bit frustrated. Could you tell me what was going on for you?”

Can you see how much less charged these answers are? When you talk in this way it is much easier for your partner to react compassionately because they understand

a) what exactly upset you and

b) how this makes you feel.

This makes relationships so much more peaceful because often the negative behaviour that we interpret as being directed at us turns out to be about something completely different like a stressful day at work.

And if there is in fact a problem in the relationship this kind of communication will help resolve the issue in a respectful and clear way and will make it much easier to stay connected during a conflict. To learn this technique in detail, watch my video on how to talk about feelings in a straightforward way:

- For a full overview of feelings, click here. -

5. “The story I’m telling myself …”

Sometimes it is really hard to talk about observable facts and feelings instead of judgements and interpretations. This is usually the case when we feel highly triggered about a situation, for example when the behaviour of our partner reminds us of hurtful situations in the past. In this case you can start a conversation with your partner with the following phrase:

“The story I’m telling myself …”

This way you can express authentically how you interpret a situation while making sure that your partner understands that you are aware that this is an interpretation. Using the examples from before, this can look like this:

Example 1:

“You don’t care about me at all!”

→ “When you come home 1 hour after our agreed dinner time the story I’m telling myself is that you don’t care about me. It reminds of how I felt when we my Dad missed my volleyball tournaments.”

Example 2:

“Did you have to punish me all evening because of the fight we had yesterday – that’s unfair!”

→ “The story I’m telling myself is that you want to punish me because of the fight we had yesterday. I feel quite triggered right now and I know that I tend to interpret your behavior in a negative way when I feel upset. Could you explain to me what happened?”

As you can see this tool works really well when we feel emotional because we can still let the part of us that feels judgmental speak and get relief through sharing our reality. But at the same time we can incorporate self-awareness which signals our partner that we want to resolve this situation peacefully and cooperatively.

6. Know Your Needs

The 6th advanced communication skill is knowing your needs, which is important because they define the things that you need in order to thrive and feel good. The most important needs for humans are centred around connection (such as respect, closeness, understanding), autonomy (such as space, choice, freedom) and meaning (such as contribution, understanding, creativity).

If you’re struggling to pinpoint your needs it’s helpful to get more in touch with your emotions because your uncomfortable emotions will always tell you about your missing needs! For this you can access my “Feeling emotions in the body” Guided Meditation where I go in detail about this.

Especially in relationships we tend to think that our partner should be able to guess what we need in every moment when we often don’t even know ourselves what our needs are. This does not serve us or the relationship because it’s a disempowered state of being and leads to feelings of resentment and disappointment.

It’s really helpful in a conflict to know what needs of yours are missing, as it will help you and your partner understand what you can do to feel better. You can incorporate this in conflict resolution – using the example from above this could look like this:

Example 1:

“You don’t care about me at all!”

→ “You came home 1 hour after we agreed to meet for dinner. I feel lonely and a bit sad because my need for partnership and mutuality is not being met.”

Example 2:

“Did you have to punish me all evening because of the fight we had yesterday – that’s unfair!”

→ “At the dinner party you only talked to me twice and it seemed as if you were avoiding my eye contact. I feel confused and a bit frustrated because my need for shared reality and respect was not being met.”

Important here is to not say this in a blaming way but to simply state what you are missing in this moment so that your partner knows what’s going on for you. Reflecting about your needs is also very useful when dealing with a conflict because when we get upset with our partner there is usually a need of ours that is not being fulfilled in our relationship. My partner Matt and I demonstrate this in the following Communication Exercise:

7. Requests Instead of Demands

When partners try to resolve a conflict or talk about what they are missing in the relationship they often use demands, such as:

“I need you to be on time for dinner every day!”

“When something is bothering you, you should always tell me straight away!”

Again, this kind of communication often leads to defensiveness from our partner because they feel like they have good reasons to behave the way they are and also they probably don’t like to be commanded around. A far more successful and connecting communication strategy is to make requests. There we ask politely and clearly how we would like our partner behave towards us and we don’t get offended if they decline but they work together to find a solution that fits both. Requests can look like this:

Example 1:

“I need you to be on time for dinner every day!”

→ “Something that would help me to feel more safety and respect is if you would agree to be at home before 7pm on weekdays.”

Example 2:

“When something is bothering you, you should always tell me straight away!”

→ “If you are feeling upset it would be great if you would share your feelings with me or tell me that you feel upset but need time to process it. That would help me to feel more relaxed and at ease in these situations.”

You’ll Get Better With Practice

Mastering these 7 Advanced Communication Skills has skyrocket the connection and intimacy with my partner and I’m sure it will do the same for you! But don’t worry if you find it difficult in the beginning or you feel like there is a long way to go until you can apply them successfully.

In my relationship we see communication as a continuous practice because it is such a strong habit that it takes consistent effort to retrain ourselves to speak and listen in a more empathetic way. So be patient and compassionate with yourself and give yourself a pat on the shoulder for starting the journey of relating in a more peaceful and loving way!

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